Jupiter.

Right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart. And I, your willing victim.

I know I shouldn't have pranked you about my girlfriend in London. I know I shouldn't have played a fool and ended up making you disappointed and sad. At the point I still wasn't feeling anything for you. I didn't thought much about it at that time and just acted foolishly. Would things have been different if I didn't acted that way?

But as we chat, as we got to know each other better. I felt more and more closer with you. Still not noticing any feelings for you only till that night when we were talking emotionally. You said you like me at the beginning. I didn't really have much feelings for you either. Maybe a few lingering around here and there but nothing was real. We have been flirting around and there are times where we talk about stuff like "what are we?" "we like gonna have a scandalous relationship soon" "scandal you only can have one month" I may have not told you this before but when you told me that night that "Turns out, I enjoy talking to you." it really made me smile. I may not have specific feelings for you that time but it still made me happy that you actually cared and enjoys talking to me even as a friend.

It was only when, you told me you had your interests in someone else, and you get excited whenever you kept scrolling and see that he has seen your stories. It hits me. I made me jealous. I got angry. I got sad. I got disappointed. I started noticing the feelings I had. I went back to our chats. I read what we have discussed before. I went back to watch the different crash course videos you sent me. I got sad. I told myself, maybe all these aren't real. I told myself, I'm just jealous your attention is now shift to someone else and not me. Which is why I'm sad and whatsoever. I numb myself. I listened to Lady Gaga's "Perfect Illusion" I told myself. My feeling for you wasn't love. Probably just a perfect illusion. I acted cold. I posted that Insta story. I kept scrolling, to see if you have seen my stories. You didn't. You usually will be one of those few that seen my stories first. I was sad again. Was it because you have your attention to somebody else you don't bother about me anymore. I tried to numb myself. I didn't text you. I didn't reply you. Like how I always do every day every morning. That night, when you finally saw my stories, and asked me what happened. why am I being cold to you. I was happy. At least you noticed, at least you cared. Even though we took a while to get back close again, I was still happy we did. I have never told you this before but "Turns out, I actually enjoy talking to you too. I really do."

Even though after the Bedok issue (Took me awhile to accept and call him bedok - the nickname you given him if you realized because i have been just calling him "HIM" and refuses to acknowledge the nickname you given him lol), I was still salty and would sometimes gets upsets and annoys you with him etc but actually I've told myself that if you were to really like him and you both ends up together, I would still wish you all the best. At this point of time, I have been keeping away my feelings for you pretty good and to the actual point that I am able to actually accept you with someone else.

You asked if I wanted to go clubbing one night. Even though I over think and became salty that you're actually just asking me because you have no one else to ask, I am actually still pretty looking forward to going with you. The only concern I had that time was about my Aquarius whether would he be able to allow me go with you. I was afraid of doing the wrong things too which is why I proposed asking him to come along. Eventually he didn't and we went on our own instead. I'm glad we did.

The previous day, when we were still talking about our plans for that night. I got pretty nervous because it would be our first time meeting each other. I'm scared we would just end up being awkward and idk how would it be like in the club. Guess I think too much cause we ended up having lots of fun didn't we haha. On the day itself, I went to a slightly pricier salon which I never been before to get a nice haircut and dyed my hair just so I could actually look "better" when meeting you. All these efforts idk what are they for but I knew I just wanted to look "better"(not good cause I won't look good lmao). Before meeting you, I spent efforts dolling up, styling my hair putting on whatever just so I can look "better".

After all those efforts I'm on my way to meeting you. Nervous, but definitely looking forward. I had a lot of thoughts while on the way there. How we would be like when we first met? How we would be like when we're gonna sit together and eat (we planned to have 4-fingers initially)? How we gonna be like when drinking and how we're gonna be like when in the club? Lots and lots of thoughts before I eventually met you. Haha. Just before I met you, my mom called and asked me about some things. You asked why was my face so black or something right. haha. It was because I wanted to faster end my mom's call just so I can meet you already. Haha. And when we first met. We walked out of Orchard not knowing where to go. I can sense you're shy and awkward and didnt want to look at me. I was too. And I just kept smiling. Hahah. It was. Really sweet. You asked if I'm jiak kantang one. I don't usually always communicate in English. I do communicate in Chinese with my Chinese friends. But when I'm awkward, I often only communicate in English. Haahahah. I was too shy to speak Chinese to you.

Idk if you noticed. When we were just walking, there were a few times we "bumped" into each other as we were walking a little bit too close to each other. I was kinda delighted because I like this kind of skinship actions where we touched onto each other because we're close. haha. Even though we just met not long ago. Hahah. When bringing you to the bar we're drinking at, I got lost and went the wrong way. You were kinda cute when you get annoyed and I guess thats when I got comfortable with you. But when you told me you have no money with you, I got scared for a moment. Yes I told you why and all. Don't blame me for that. You kept telling me you have no cash with you and that is it. You didn't even went on to say like "Oh can you pay first I can pay you later" or something. Obviously it made me feel like you're just gonna make me pay for everything la. Haha. But oh wells. When we sat down and was looking at the menu, we made quite a fool of ourselves because the staff was walking past us and asking if we're ready to order for a few times. But we always ended up telling them we're not ready yet haha. I was quite skeptical to order the stuff because my mind was still on the thoughts of "omg is he gonna make me pay for everything omg how to tell him to share the bill leh omg how how how" lmao I was partially freaking out not knowing what to do please instead of looking at the menu. Hahah.

After we ordered and we gotten our drinks, we chat a little and honestly, I felt good and was really enjoying the time with you. We had our laughter, we had our bitching about straight people we had our talks on cute guys around. I really enjoyed. When you move to sat next to me, I felt even happier. I felt the closeness we had, and I know exactly, how I want my night to be. I don't know if that was what you wanted, you might not wanted all those you might not even have thought of it. But to me, I really just wanted to enjoy my night. Just that night.

When I started touching your chin, I guess the feelings started to come off bit by bit. But at least it was still manageable because I knew that it was all just for the fun and enjoyment that night. When we were leaving the bar, walking to peaches. We had a lot of skinship. We had a lot of fun. We were a nuisance in public. But I really didn’t care about anyone else except us. You said I’m drunk, I acted like one. But deep down I know, I’m not. I remember exactly every single thing that happened. When we went into the wrong door and were stuck in the mall, when we walked pass this statue and you wanted to take a pic. When you said you want to grab over but I told you don't be stupid because its literally just a turn down the road from where we are.

Eventually we made it to Peaches. You saw your friend, you wanted to joined them. I was a bit shagg at first because I thought it would just be a world of both of us. But they were friendly, and your friend is cute. So okay i don’t mind afterall. When they asked whether we’re together, whether do I like you, are we in a relationship. I really don’t know how to answer them. And when you told them and they asked if I had someone else. I didn't wanted to remember the fact that I’m having Aquarius. So I didn’t wanted to answer them.

When we finally got into peaches. We began hugging each other. It was the closest we’ve ever gotten. I felt the happiness. I really, enjoyed it. I’ve got the damn urge, to kiss you. And we did. It really made me felt a lot. But still, I didn’t thought much of the feelings. After all, it was still kept to me that, we just gonna enjoy this night. And that is it. You have your bedok, you have your Aquarius. I kept that within my head. And all I wanted is to just enjoy the night. We had hella a night. The dancing, the unbuttoning, the stupid shits we did. The smile I seen on your face. It was really lovely.

What happened at the bar, (I ain’t gonna say much about it since its gonna be a hurtful memories for us) but whatever happened there really made me think a lot. While we were fighting on the street, while we were in the cab, while i was wondering around your block. I really thought hard about what happened and about us. I’m sorry I didn’t chose to keep my feelings in the end. I decided to give it all in at most till you leave Singapore since you’re already leaving. It really hit me hard and I got really upset thinking about you leaving in just a few weeks. I'm sure I did express it to you. I don't know if you feel the same, about leaving this place where I am at. We were all going fine, just the usual us except together with all the feelings that we have kept at bay previously. I got happy receiving pictures from you. Really happy. I tried to think of ways and every opportunity, for us to have a chance to meet again before you fly off. I wanted to have lunch with you. You declined. I got sad. But its fine. The saddest things has yet to come. When I just reached the office. I told you I felt unwell with my heart cramping again. You did bother to ask why. But you were more concern about how your Aquarius is acting weird. You got really paranoid. You got really upset you were all in a panic and thinking about why whats wrong with him whats gonna happen after all these. Little did you know, my heart died a little. Yes I know. I have always knew and kept this in my mind all the while that, Aquarius will always be your priority. But I don't know why at that moment, I wished you would cared a little bit more about me than him.

I tried to cheered you up. I don't know if it works. But deep down within me, I was tearing. I felt like, something is about to happen. And I was right. You turned cold after that afternoon. We didn't talk as much as we would previously. I knew something was wrong. I didn't text you anything the next day morning like how I usually would. I don't know if you thought of me or you were just bored and had no one to talk to and realizes that I did not text you, but you texted me "Hello" in the afternoon. You have no idea how happy I was to see your name popping up on my screen. I tried acting it cool, I didn't mention anything about the cold, I didn't act cold, I acted as usual showing you my lunch. But honestly, things changed. Over the hours you just kept getting colder and colder. And as the days passed by, we just kept getting more and more distant. I felt like you didn't wanted to meet anymore on the Saturday which we initially planned. I was willing, to give up all my plans, to affect all my friends, to give up on anything and everything, to meet you on this Saturday. You told me you aren't sure whether you still wanna meet because you're afraid that your Aquarius will get angry or what not. I. Was. Dead. That line really killed me and made me realizes everything. You don't want me anymore. I spend hours and hours thinking about it. About are we really just gonna distant like this. I came to a conclusion.

I asked of you. To just please continue with the initial plan, and to continue being what you were that previous Saturday night. I just wanted a night that solely belongs to both of us for the last time, before you fly off, before you make the decision to go distant with me. I just wanted that night - and since I've already sacrificed by cancelling my plans & hotel reservation in JB affecting at least 6 of my friends.

I know you tried to told me that you would still put Aquarius above anyone else and you would still choose him in the end. I truly understand. I'm not asking of you replacing me with him. I know I tweeted a lot of things about both of us. It was all just my thoughts. I did told you that I am entirely fine with just getting back to where we were initially just a normal friend or confidante. I really did told you all these. All I wanted was, just a night for both of us, for me to perfectly end my feelings for you, for us to close on our this chapter. Am I too much for asking that.

Even till the day when we were supposed to meet. We still haven't come to any conclusion about it. Eventually I already started searching up on what could we eat, how could we go to the barrage, what are we gonna do there, how are we gonna end it and come back. I've had it all planned. Even though till hours before our meeting time, you were still sounding really reluctant to meet me. I still had the faith and put in the hope that we will still have a good night eventually. I put in the effort to style and doll myself up again. To make sure I look "better" just like the night we met. All the efforts to actually, ensure that we end with a good night beautifully. But we just didn't. Weird? The last thing you want to hear when you tried to put in effort to care is to get people telling you that you're weird for doing what you're doing.  You have no idea, how fucked I felt.

Even before I left house, we still haven made a concrete plan. You told me you wanted me to follow your friend to the airport to chill. Which I really didn't want. But I still decided to head out and meet you because I believe I would still meet you no matter what eventually. Even when in the train, when you aren't replying much. I still hoped and wished, that we will have a good night.

You said we can't go to the barrage because its raining. I did not mind going anywhere else. I told you. Its not about where we are going. Its about, you, your friend, that you're asking me to follow. I told you. I wanted this night to be a perfect ending for us. I wanted it to be solely just for both of us in our own world. Why would you ask me to follow your friend to where she wants to go? It was supposed to be our meet-up. Its not that I have no plans on a Saturday night and was bored so you're asking me if I wanna tag along and follow you with your friend to the airport. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET UP. And you, telling me you can't ditch your friend because she is alone now? Not trying to be mean or being difficult but it is supposed to be our meet up? So why does it have to affect me just because she is alone now? And she has already been with you since afternoon which initially you told me can't meet in the afternoon because you want to sleep but you still ended up going out with your friend anyway. I just don't understand why? And when I was still trying to wait for your reply almost reaching town which we initially was supposed to meet at, you told me you really can't ditch her. So I told you to ditch me instead and I'll just roam alone myself. You didn't reply at all. I reached town. I walked and tried to see if I can find you at Ion. I couldn't. I went to the Pandora. You weren't there. Till now still no reply. I took the train to Somerset because it was raining to see if you're actually at the Somerset side. Walking up floors and floors to see if you're around. To just receive a text saying "I'm on my way to the airport, do you want to come?".  Do you know how dead I felt at that time. MY WHOLE WORLD CRASHED. I LITERALLY JUST SAT AT THE SEATS, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO AT ALL. I came all the way here. For you to tell me you aren't here anymore? Yes I did told you to ditch me. But can't you sense that was words I said out of anger? Even when you can't sense, can't you at least reply something to ask me to meet you first or something? You knew I was already on the way meeting you. You knew I'm out. YOU KNEW. But you still went on your own way to the airport with your friend and to text me asking if I wanna go?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DINNER. I didn't had anything and was meeting you for dinner. I planned to get Four Fingers which we couldn't get that time. I planned to go Starbucks after to get your favorite drinks.  I dug out all my Starbucks credit card excitedly wanting to surprise and treat you to your favorite drink. What happened in the end? Why did you have to do this to me. YOU LEFT ME ALONE. RIGHT AT TOWN. FEELING WRECKED AND CRASHED. I HAD TO WALK THROUGH THE STREETS, NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO. TEARS STREAMING DOWN CONTINUOUSLY. JUST BECAUSE OF YOU.

What did I do to actually deserve this? It's not that I'm really requesting too much aren't I? I know that you don't want to continue with such relationship anymore because you're scared of losing your Aquarius I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I told you after that night you are free to do whatever you want to drop me or distant me or just delete me from your life I would still accept. But why? Why couldn't we just. Had a proper dinner. Which we initially planned to. Why can't we just have a time for both of us? WHY WHY WHY. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T WE?

I was so wrecked and shattered I didn't want to go home. People came and consoled. I still couldn't get my shit together. I still ended up being at your block waiting for you to come back. Because all I wanted, was just to see you. After all these shits. I still want to see you. I was waiting for you to reply at least. Right after I told you everything that I felt, you just read. And kept it at read. Why? Why didn't you at least reply. Why? Do you really not care anymore? They told me, don't be silly. Just go home. I wondered around your block again, looking at my phone to see if you replied. Looking at our chats. Staring at the place. Where I saw you for the last time. I really don't understand why. Does it not hurt you at all? Do you not feel anything at all putting me through all these pain? Why do you have to do this to me? Why do I have to go through this last night? All I want to know is, why Jupiter?

I went back home. I couldn't sleep. As usual. I tossed and turned till the sun rises. And I started my day again. I told my self brand new day brand new start. Lets not think about you anymore. While I was thinking of what I could do for the day, I decided to watch We Bare Bears. Our. Favorite. Cartoon. I thought I could totally let go of you. I couldn't. I ended up falling asleep from the tiredness. Till I actually woke up from the nap to your long text.

You said I blocked you, which all these time I did not. Because I was still hoping. All I did was to just delete your contact. Removed my pictures. But I just put them back anyway. I unfollowed you. But I still went on to your profile to see if you have any new stories, if you have any new post. I still went to your twitter, to see if you have any new tweets. Nope. None. You texted me a long long text. The longest one you ever texted. You told me about all these while from the day we met and everything. I know you're trying to apologize and let me know that, you did actually cared and liked me. But you can't lead me on anymore because eventually you still love your Aquarius. I totally get it. I don't know why you can't get this through but I'm totally fine that you chose Aquarius eventually. I'm really okay to just go back to being a normal friend or a confidante forever which we promised. I just am totally utterly fucking disappointed, upset and wrecked about what happened yesterday. I just couldn't get why did you had to do that. Was I nothing to you that, you didn't really bother about me going through all those? You didn't bother to reply anything at all - when I expressed my unhappiness. Why? Why did you have to do that? Why couldn't you just ask me to meet you first and then we could just discuss and see what is the best solution we could come out with? Rather than just not meeting me at all leaving me wrecked like this. Why couldn't you? Was I, nothing to you anymore? I don't want an apology. I want to know why.

我们真的，说散就散...吗？